If #TaylorSwift Needs More Song Inspirations, Call Me

20 Dec IMG_7007.JPG

Zen beat me with the Kyosaku stick again. Kyosaku stick is used during meditation to promote concentration when one slacks off.

In breakups, a Kyosaku stick is needed too.

I have left DreamGuy and for about two weeks, it was difficult. The urges to text, to keep the conversation going, and to pick up as soon as he rings the cell were strong. But then time lapses. And as time moves forward, you realize the serenity. The quiet peace grows and you have no idea how much time had gone on until he texts me, “How is everyone?”

The quiet peace ends abruptly. I pick up the phone, I put it down. I pick it up, I put it down. Monkey Mind.

It’s all games. Stupid, mindless games.

The entire relationship with DreamGuy, I felt I wasn’t the real Valerie. I had to play very carefully to sustain that relationship as to not appear too “available” or too “anxious” and to always remain guarded with my emotions. Slowly it stripped away the wonderful essence of my existence and I cannot be afraid anymore. So I did what the REAL VALERIE would do, I texted back, “HI! We’re good!”

What I didn’t expect was the all too familiar trap of enjoying his conversation and sarcasm. He ended the 2 hr long TextFest with an abrupt “gotta go.” It felt nice that he found time for me in the midst of his laundry cycles. (Sarcasm). 7 year old habits die hard. I found myself, the next day texting him much like I did our entire relationship after I got off work. A quick and quirky text that was only relevant to he and I. I settled in sleep and when I awoke hours later, there was nothing from him.





Nothing but the sting in my heart. Like I had been beckoned like a dog with a treat only to be kicked and turned away. I realized what it was but still playfully added “Oh come on, that was funny! Nothing? Beuler????????? Ok……”



Let Go Or Be Dragged.

DreamGuy distrupted my concentration and the Kyosaku stick beat me with the reminder of rejection. I felt rejected.


Ok, you got me, DreamGuy. You really know how to fuck up a relationship and make someone suffer. Im going to chalk this up as “old habits die hard” and devise a new list of new and awesome habits that are significantly worthy of my energy. You won’t do this to me again.

If you’re keeping score, it looks like DreamGuy 1: Valerie 0
But your round 2 will be DreamGuy 1: Valerie IN YOUR FACE

The only score I am keeping is the one where I feel utterly amazing. I took a couple steps back, but from this moment on, strides.

I should call Taylor Swift so she has new material for her top hit songs.



Listening to: Taylor Swift- Blank space

Essence of Failure

18 Nov

Why do I try so hard to fail?

10th grade geometry was a bitch. The teacher, Mrs. Shuman, was great. She was motivating and intelligent and very helpful. But after endless amounts of homework and help after school, I still managed to fail or do very poorly on every single test.

I remember the new year. Things felt fresh. The 1994-1995 school year, was the year I was motivated to bring up my G.P.A. I was feeling so good. When that first Geometry test came back graded, I was mortified that I received a “D.” How could this happen? I put the work into it. Something wasn’t clicking.

I was crazy-motivated after that. I studied HARDER. The 30 theorems we had to memorize, I stayed up all night reciting them until my dreams were possessed by them. The next test, I was anxious. I turned the front page of my test over and scribbled every theorem on the back. From there, I began each problem being able to visually see and reference for a solution. I turned it in, confident.

The test was returned and to this day, I will never forget the red numbers boldly printed on the top of my test.


It took everything inside me not to cry. How could this happen? Why? I was emotionally distraught and the day was essentially ruined. After school, I walked to Mrs. Shuman’s class and we sat in the desks next to each other and I held my paper….”I studied so hardddddddd.”

I will never forget the look upon her face that read “LIAR.” Surely, someone who studied, would not fail. She told me that the key to passing this test was to memorize those theorems. I flipped my first page over, laid them in front of her.

“I did.”

Her eyes widened as she read each line…..eyebrows closed in, deep in thought. She looked at me….”We have a problem. You have these written to the T!”

I struggled the rest of the year. But I believe she knew how hard I was trying. I think she was very forgiving of me. It was the very first memory I have of working so diligently at something and failing so miserably. I passed with a C in that class but even after all these years, I still feel the presence of that same failure.

I never thought that I would be reminded of my failures in Geometry when I leave the man I love.

My relationship with Dream Guy has disintegrated. The measure of heartbreak is so great, that the essence of hope still lingers. I realize this is unrealistic, but emotionally, I feel unready to fully let go. Like geometry, I worked hard. I put into it everything I had and am sickened with failure.

I know the journey ahead of me is long. Heartbreak feels like a void to which I have nothing to fulfill. It will take time. And I know I will endure.

The best of me is yet to come.

Price Tag

8 Nov

The lessons we learn come at a price.

But cost should never reflect on your relationship.

I remember letting someone control my finances. FAIL.

I remember letting someone borrow money. Living daily life with that hovering in the air is torture. The money was eventually paid back, but it was a nail biting experience. Never in my life had I felt so exposed and vulnerable. My resources were needed and i was there to help. It’s a great feeling to come through for the one you love but it changed so fast. I became the needy one.

I gave him the money, he kissed me and told me how much he loved me, he went to take care of what he needed (it was for police training classes, btw!) and I was left alone. Emotions started stirring. I later called him and he didn’t pick up. The insecurity took over by then and continued until the money was paid in full. I vowed I would never do that again.

But, Valerie, with her wide stance, hands on hips and cape flowing gloriously in the wind flies in on the winds of superwoman and feels she can make a difference in the life of her true love. Late charges, interest rates, reminders, and reminders, and reminders turns a financially fierce female into a mother like figure, nagging her boyfriend.

The structure of the relationship is severed completely. There was no coming back. That made the foundation uneven and there was no building on that. But we tried. It was awful.

I believed that coming together in our lives, would free us for things we enjoyed, not just together, but for our own individual desires. I wanted to buy new living room suit….and new bedroom furniture. I wanted to save for a house and take the kids to the amusement park all summer long. The constant is money. But it wasn’t about the money. I wanted the time together. I wanted shared experiences and create significant moments. I wanted to make a house into a secure and loving home. I wanted to plan for the future.

And he wanted a motorcycle.

And a gun.

And an ipad.

And a powertool.

And what did it cost me?

Hate. Resentment. Anger. Insecurity. Anxiety. Stress.


Time has no refund. But for everything that it cost me, I am looking hard for some peace.

For now, I have found a little bit of humor regarding this topic. If you’re a fan of the movie GOODFELLAS, there is a scene where Henry Hill is discussing and monies that are owed:


And here’s me, just trying to be a Goodfella.


And some music that would be on the soundtrack to this post

Jessie J: Price Tag

Skeletonwitch: More Cruel Than Weak

Dating Spooks

21 Oct

Halloween is my favorite time of year. Dressing up, handing out candy, decorating and scary movies……nothing makes me happier!!! This year, I ventured to Lewisburg’s Haunted Cave with a former colleague. I hadn’t been to a haunted house in forever and it was my friend’s idea. Why not?

It was dark, I had creatures fallowing me, playing with my hair, grabbing my legs….it was thrilling! When it was over, my heart was racing, I was smiling and was happy I went. It’s the only time I find being scared was fun! Unfortunately, DATING is an all out fear fest that seems to never end.

Back in the dating game again, i re-opened my Plenty of Fish profile. No big deal, right? I’m a veteran! Well, I’m also out of practice and finding that being in a relationship has turned me into an antisocial leper. I have got to shed this skin……

After five minutes of updating my profile, the alerts come flooding in. I take pride in my sweet and savvy profile, surely people aren’t reading that fast! As i look over the profiles of the men who message me, i’m finding they do not fall within the realm of who I am searching for. I can only assume they aren’t reading my profile, but rather messaging any girl who shows “online.”

This is frustrating.

I received a message, “I think we dated before.”


“Oh really?”

Another message followed: “Yeah, i think we met at Easton and saw a movie…..”

There was a repugnant, undigested, phlegm that shot up my esophagus. I regretfully swallowed it and responded, “You ate off my plate.” Anxiety pulsed my veins and i could feel my cheeks becoming red with embarrassment and anger. If anyone knows me, i was feeling the adverse effects from The Runaway Date. I was mortified. I don’t know if he responded to that because I immediately blocked him and took down my profile. I deleted the app.

Why did The Runaway Date have to come back from the dead? ugh.

I felt like the Scary Movie version of The Exorcist


Just like the rules of Scary Movies, there’s rules in dating. I’m adopting Shorty’s Rule #3: DON’T LOOK BACK!

shorty don't look back

Moving on……………….


13 Sep IMG_5691-0.JPG

I remember the moment I said “I do” just how unsatisfied and trapped I felt. I vowed I would never feel that again the moment I became divorced.

Things change. People change. We adapt to our circumstance and as a result, many relationships grow apart. Animosity grows. Anger can keep you awake at night.

But it’s ME who I am upset with. I am mad at myself that I opened myself up, became vulnerable, and forgot that it’s not my partners responsibility to make me happy.


I am furious that I forgot to cater to the divine individual I am.

I am continuously learning of relationships, through my own personal experience or through observing others.

Never wait for someone else to make you feel good about yourself. Look in the mirror and give yourself a wink, hot stuff. Enjoy a latte at a local bookstore. Gift yourself a pedicure and a new outfit!

Buy yourself some beautiful flowers…….


Make yourself feel amazing every day!!

Johnny Depp: The Man of My Dreams……Part II

20 Jul 20140720-130143-46903449.jpg

I had this profound dream. To refresh your memory click here.

Then, the Akron Marathon favorited my post in twitter…..

So I take that as a sign to research. Something out there is seeking me to run a race that I had never heard if, that came to me in a dream.

I talked myself out if it, unable to reason the now $105 registration fee to cater my own desire when I have two kids, bills, insurance and a long list of responsibilities that come way before anything I want. To top that, insecurity reigned as well. My last marathon concluded in 7 hrs, one hour longer than the 6 hr Akron Marathon time limit. Self doubt and responsibility will always win.

Last night, I told my marathon dream to someone. Just a random, babbling conversation. Then I go to the casino. Spending $40 dollars, and right when I was down to my last 8 bucks……


The Penny Buffalo gave me $36 bucks. I cashed out my 44 dollars and went to another machine. I needed to even out to my 40 so I could walk away and break even. That’s the OCD in me. It has to be even.

But four dollars was hard to spend. I kept winning. When I finally got down to $40.01, I was told to cash out.

“but the penny might be lucky!”

I decided this will be my lucky penny. I cash out, retrieve back my two twenties and a shiny new 2014 penny. A proceed to walk out……



I have never seen a poker chip up close before. “Val, that’s a hundred dollars!!!”

Am I being punk’d?

It just didn’t seem real.

Money doesn’t grow on trees but somehow a poker chip landed on the floor in my direct path. I couldn’t spend my own money on myself but someone else’s would surely cover the cost of the Akron Marathon. Maybe that someone is missing their lost poker chip. Maybe they don’t even realize it’s gone. Maybe they don’t realize the amazing feeling they gave a girl feeling unsure and down……

Johnny Depp, are you gonna show up and tell me that I need to wake up, that I’m not dreaming………?

Johnny Depp: The Man of My Dreams

12 Jul

I love the crazy plots my sub conscience gives me during slumber. What I love even more is deciphering the crazy weirdness that may come from it.

Here it goes:

–Dream Begins–

I was traveling to another country to visit my dad in a business trip. I found him and a couple colleagues sitting on a bench at a softball diamond. I sat down with them and took a small apron and tied it around my waist. This was an apron that you would see raffle ticket holders wear- to collect money and tickets.

I got up and walked around, seeing a man propose to his gay partner when all of a sudden, people behind me came up and shoved bills and coins into my pouch. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I was confused.

I turned around and looked at my dad who had realized my desire to run in the Akron Marathon. He had posted a charity to plea and help my dream come true. People, strangers passing by were smiling and shoving their donations at me. I was shocked, awed and amazingly touched by the generosity of strangers willing to help someone like me.

After all the overwhelming donations came in, Johnny Depp strolled by, grabbing my apron and peeking in to see how much I had collected. He said he was going to take care of my marathon registration.


–Dream Ends–

To dream that you are pleasantly surprised indicates that you are opened in acknowledging and confronting your subconscious feelings.

To dream that you are traveling represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you. Perhaps it is time to make a fresh start. If your travels come to an end, then it symbolizes successful completion of your goals.


To see or win money in your dream indicates that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money represents confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is a common symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power.


Johnny Depp
To see a celebrity in your dream represents your beliefs and understanding about her or him. Consider what the celebrity is famous or known for and how you relate to that quality. Something in you waking life has triggered these similar beliefs and feelings. It is not uncommon that your obsession with a certain celebrity may carry over onto your dream world. Celebrities are often seen as heroes and all that is mighty. Also consider any puns within the name

To dream that you are running in a marathon represents life’s journey and how you are performing or feeling. It is symbolic of your endurance and willpower. Consider how you feel about the marathon and how you are approaching it.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,738 other followers