Zen beat me with the Kyosaku stick again. Kyosaku stick is used during meditation to promote concentration when one slacks off.
In breakups, a Kyosaku stick is needed too.
I have left DreamGuy and for about two weeks, it was difficult. The urges to text, to keep the conversation going, and to pick up as soon as he rings the cell were strong. But then time lapses. And as time moves forward, you realize the serenity. The quiet peace grows and you have no idea how much time had gone on until he texts me, “How is everyone?”
The quiet peace ends abruptly. I pick up the phone, I put it down. I pick it up, I put it down. Monkey Mind.
It’s all games. Stupid, mindless games.
The entire relationship with DreamGuy, I felt I wasn’t the real Valerie. I had to play very carefully to sustain that relationship as to not appear too “available” or too “anxious” and to always remain guarded with my emotions. Slowly it stripped away the wonderful essence of my existence and I cannot be afraid anymore. So I did what the REAL VALERIE would do, I texted back, “HI! We’re good!”
What I didn’t expect was the all too familiar trap of enjoying his conversation and sarcasm. He ended the 2 hr long TextFest with an abrupt “gotta go.” It felt nice that he found time for me in the midst of his laundry cycles. (Sarcasm). 7 year old habits die hard. I found myself, the next day texting him much like I did our entire relationship after I got off work. A quick and quirky text that was only relevant to he and I. I settled in sleep and when I awoke hours later, there was nothing from him.
Nothing but the sting in my heart. Like I had been beckoned like a dog with a treat only to be kicked and turned away. I realized what it was but still playfully added “Oh come on, that was funny! Nothing? Beuler????????? Ok……”
Let Go Or Be Dragged.
DreamGuy distrupted my concentration and the Kyosaku stick beat me with the reminder of rejection. I felt rejected.
Ok, you got me, DreamGuy. You really know how to fuck up a relationship and make someone suffer. Im going to chalk this up as “old habits die hard” and devise a new list of new and awesome habits that are significantly worthy of my energy. You won’t do this to me again.
The only score I am keeping is the one where I feel utterly amazing. I took a couple steps back, but from this moment on, strides.
I should call Taylor Swift so she has new material for her top hit songs.
Listening to: Taylor Swift- Blank space