The lessons we learn come at a price.
But cost should never reflect on your relationship.
I remember letting someone control my finances. FAIL.
I remember letting someone borrow money. Living daily life with that hovering in the air is torture. The money was eventually paid back, but it was a nail biting experience. Never in my life had I felt so exposed and vulnerable. My resources were needed and i was there to help. It’s a great feeling to come through for the one you love but it changed so fast. I became the needy one.
I gave him the money, he kissed me and told me how much he loved me, he went to take care of what he needed (it was for police training classes, btw!) and I was left alone. Emotions started stirring. I later called him and he didn’t pick up. The insecurity took over by then and continued until the money was paid in full. I vowed I would never do that again.
But, Valerie, with her wide stance, hands on hips and cape flowing gloriously in the wind flies in on the winds of superwoman and feels she can make a difference in the life of her true love. Late charges, interest rates, reminders, and reminders, and reminders turns a financially fierce female into a mother like figure, nagging her boyfriend.
The structure of the relationship is severed completely. There was no coming back. That made the foundation uneven and there was no building on that. But we tried. It was awful.
I believed that coming together in our lives, would free us for things we enjoyed, not just together, but for our own individual desires. I wanted to buy new living room suit….and new bedroom furniture. I wanted to save for a house and take the kids to the amusement park all summer long. The constant is money. But it wasn’t about the money. I wanted the time together. I wanted shared experiences and create significant moments. I wanted to make a house into a secure and loving home. I wanted to plan for the future.
And he wanted a motorcycle.
And a gun.
And an ipad.
And a powertool.
And what did it cost me?
Hate. Resentment. Anger. Insecurity. Anxiety. Stress.
Time has no refund. But for everything that it cost me, I am looking hard for some peace.
For now, I have found a little bit of humor regarding this topic. If you’re a fan of the movie GOODFELLAS, there is a scene where Henry Hill is discussing and monies that are owed:
And here’s me, just trying to be a Goodfella.
And some music that would be on the soundtrack to this post