Unhappily Married, Happily Divorced
Cinco De Mayo has a special place in my heart. It is the day I was divorced.
May 5, 2004.
Eleven years later, it’s a time to reflect on the lessons learned and the great sense of freedom that divorce awarded me.
The legal aspects of marriage was broken. I was breaking the bad habit of abuse and saving myself and my children. What good is a mother whose husband yells at her constantly? He’s angry….she’s broken….and the kids suffer.
I planned a divorce for two years. I documented every waking moment. If it was a book to be read, u could find it in the subject marked “Tragedy.”
Even though marriage was the hardest part of living for me, divorce was hard in its own way as well. It’s a changing of lifestyle. It’s starting over again. But those are all elements we can adapt and overcome with time. I’ll never fully recover from my marriage.
I think the biggest factor is who you are divorcing. This was my biggest hurdle. I broke the legal ties my spouse held over me, but that didn’t stop the manipulation and control. I see the same situation with my best friend who recently divorced.
He asks her how much money she makes. (Not his business)
He asks who she is seeing. (Not his business)
He walks into her house like he owns it.
Been there done that.
And it is still just as rude as it was when I went thru it.
I’ve seen spouses divorce amicably. Sitting together with one lawyer, laughing and enjoying their decision together.
I am enjoying my decision. I reflect heavily on the sense of freedom I gained within and the wonderful life I have upheld.
The lesson I learned was that I will never get married again. I am not cut for it. I don’t like that feeling of being trapped. I love my freedom. I also like knowing that I am saving money. I hear it’s much more costly to get divorced nowadays!
We all make mistakes.
Marriage is a mistake I will never make again.
My gaming skills are much like my dating skills.
I am can reign supreme on consoles such as Atari and Nintendo but any upgrades from that is difficult for me. I have become uncoordinated and unconditioned in my young 36 years….lol
While in the middle of a high speed chase on Grand Theft Auto, the last thing on my mind is food and heartbreak. So to me, gaming is a good thing.
With a new PS4, there is no reason to let my kids hog all the fun. I bought Grand Theft Auto V and am ready to take on Los Santos. My kids probably think I’m ridiculous with the controller in hand and my ear phones on but I’m excited. Online play begins and with my new High Rise Apartment, I emerge into the city streets. This forum is filled with high level players and I see quick notifications that So-N-So died and So-N-So was killed by So-N-So. Holy shit. My measly level 13 and high anxiety is surely going to get hunted and die!
So I run.
Someone chases me. I steal a car and hit the gas. I am running into people, cars, houses, light posts…..I am not keeping my cool in this tense situation! What no one can see in my living room, is my legs flying up in the air, my elbows out, my butt cheeks are clenched with terror and anticipation of surviving this maniac chasing me. This is just a game but I am a mess. I am yelling involuntarily “Shit! Shit! Whoa! Oh my god! eeeeeeeeek! This guy is CHASING ME!!! Who puts a fire hydrant in the middle of a sidewalk when I’m trying to drive!!!! RUN run run run, go….c’mon, Valerie……shit…..goooooooo!”
This guy was on my ass the whole time, I finally made a sharp turn around a cement wall and pulled out my gun. He came around the corner and I was aiming right at him and shot him dead. Kill or be killed.
I place my feet back on the floor. My heart is racing and sigh a heavy sigh…….I killed him. I can’t believe I survived!
I was silently celebrating my victory when someone turned on their mic, and laughs. I look up and that’s when I realize: OOPS! My mic has been on the whole time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What entertainment my panic episode was to this other player! I started laughing myself……..
This was the most fun I had had laughing at myself in sooooo long. I keep playing this gaming episode over and over in my heard because it’s just so freaking funny. People may wonder why I have this stupid smile on my face.
I have never experienced any date that has ever been this much fun. That’s sad. Just a meet and great and an uncomfortable smile that never led to any laughter. Pathetic.
I’m glad to know that just with myself, I still have the ability to laugh and smile and enjoy my own company.
I celebrate it because the teachers in elementary school told us we had to give everyone in the class a Valentine’s Day card.
Students I never talked to. Girls that made fun of me. Boys that were icky. Didn’t matter. Kids I ignored just like they ignored me, gave each other a small sentiment from the commands of our teachers.
I mechanically obey this ritual for years. It stopped in Jr. high and High School. I never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day up to that point. When I was married, I’m trying to recall any special sentiments that were given to me. I don’t ,but like a plagued bankruptcy where it lingers on your credit history for nearly a decade, I’m going to consider any attempted gratitudes forgettable on the grounds of time and abuse.
The last Valentine’s Day gift I can remember came from my ex- The Wanna Be Cop. A beautiful card with a $1200 check that he owed me for his Cop Training School.
Oh. How. Sweet.
I gave up getting any sort of specialness on the day designed for it. I don’t want someone to feel forced to do it. Or be unoriginal with chocolates and roses or proposals—-it loses meaning.
The next man, should there be one, I challenge. I have yet to hear, see, experience a knock-me-off-my-feet kind of guy. All have been simple, lacking romance and action that fervor any heat and element of surprise.
I look to be surprised. But let me know ahead of time ;)
So today, on this Valentine’s Day…..I received a couple “happy V days” from my thoughtful colleagues, texts from friends and the best gift everrrrrrrrr from my BFF…..
A beautifully made scarf in purple- my fave color and the best most cherished gift anyone who knows me could ever give me……Chapstick!!!!!
The bar has been raised.
Happy Valentine’s Day. And I say this not because anyone told me to. This year, for the first time….I actually mean it.
“Let them go…..and when they fly North…..u to South.”
I couldn’t have written this any better myself.
Originally posted on 50(+) First Dates:
You can’t choose when you write. It just happens. One moment you will be laying in bed, only to be dragged out from your semiconscious state of slumber to write down the new ideas that have popped into your head, which will surely be forgotten if not immediately written down…which leads me to where I’m at right now.
Some people change. It might be for the better, and it might be for the worse, but either way, they are not the same person you used to know. The characteristics that once defined the one you loved, cared about, and knew for so long, have morphed into something completely different. The entire personality of someone, anyone, can be instantaneously altered. Drastic events not need even occur to cause this transition from friend to sudden stranger.
Personally, I know what this is like. When someone close to you changes, there is really nothing…
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Reading an old post years later can still impact me now just as much as it did back then. Through experience we gain insight and perspective. The road travelled is all too familiar.
Glad I left myself breadcrumbs……….
Originally posted on The One Date Wonder:
Heartbreak is inevitable.
You can’t run from it. You can’t hide from it. It’s bound to happen at some point.
For me, personally, I can honestly say that I have cried over two men from heartbreak. One because he was so mean to me and constantly hurt my feelings and another because his behavior changed. Neither was healthy for me and my kids.
No matter what caused the heartbreak, it hurts. Whether you’re together a month, a year or ten years, how long should the pain last? How long should one be allowed to grieve?
I am not the only one who wonders. Thought Catalog and Your Tango have posts that also give some perspective on the subject.
Being married to someone for over 5 years I was over…
View original 96 more words
Paloma Faith sings “Only Love Can Hurt Like This.” I, too, crumble…..
But it’s not from Love.
Love is a wonderful feeling. I can still remember the first moment when I felt it. I can remember when You first said it. I can account for all the times that You and I made perfect sense and for all those heartfelt times when You didn’t make any sense to me. Love doesn’t cause those harrowing memories. The opposite of Love can impact so deeply that you find yourself emotionally impaired. Not even the Love I felt could save You.
Writing helps. But even I can’t always find the words. So I turn to Music.
Certain songs take me back to a particular time and feeling in my life. It has become my refuge in moments where I need someone else’s words and vocals to echo my pain. Some songs have the power to uplift and inspire.
My breakup is so recent that I am still smiling through the heartache. Like a good girl would do. I know it won’t last forever but in an effort to mend and strengthen, this will be my last personal post on the matter. I know that through pain can come inspiration and I have often said some of my greatest lessons came from my greatest failures. I feel beautiful things can come from my darkest moments.
No Mud, No Lotus
As I write, I am inspired to share my own Heartbreak Soundtrack. Some songs have really touched me, some songs have empowered me to hold my head up high. All have been very therapeutic and assisted in unraveling the ups and downs that come with a relationship as well as the unfortunate and arduous demise.
1. Rascall Flatts – What hurts the most
2. Amy Lee – You
3. Lily Allen – Not Fair
4. Sam Smith – I’m Not The Only One
5. Paloma Faith – Can’t Rely On You
6. Karmin – Acapella
7. Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool
8. Usher – U Got It Bad
9. Aretha Franklin – Never Loved A Man (The Way I Loved You)
10. Florence And The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
11. Katherine McPhee – Neglected
12. Nicole Scherzinger – Don’t Hold Your Breath
13. Lana Del Rey – Video Game
14. Lifehouse – It Is What It Is
15. Mary J. Blige – Not Gon Cry
16. P!nk – Try
17. Plumb – Cut
18. A Fine Frenzy – Almost Lover
19. Alicia Keys – If I Ain’t Got You
20. Avenged Sevenfold – So Far Away
21. Killswitch Engage – My Curse
22. Irene And Reed – Even With Closed Eyes
23. Irene And Reed – Not Lonely Anymore
Thanks for listening.
Unfortunately, I didn’t. I jumped right into another relationship. It was all kinds of awful in it’s own way, but after relationship #2, I did date myself. And to this day, it was the best relationship I had ever been in.
I traveled to Mexico. I saw dolphins swimming and jumping in the Gulf of Mexico, I took an 11 hr road trip. I took a nap in a hammock. I colored my hair for the first time and DARK.
The point is, I felt LIBERATED. I felt so free and felt so much like myself. I miss myself.
Recently, I jumped too fast into the world of Internet Dating and I know I am not ready. A reprise of the guy who tried to shove my head in his crotch has really turned me off. Talking to a guy who two weeks later, is now “in a relationship” just moves too fast for me. There is one silver lining though. One guy from my dating past, who was sexy, funny, charming and did I mention sexy, has made it known to me that he is indeed single. Even though things ended on good terms, I deserve to be with ME, first.
I cannot abandon what I know I desperately need for myself. I have put others first and I need to cultivate my wishes and wants for once . I put so much hope and desire that someone else wanted to spend time with me, that I need to commit back to putting myself at the forefront.
So now, I am feeling awakened to the possibility of being myself all over again. I have found that anytime I am upset, a change of scenery is my therapy. Just to breathe. Like my first trip to Mexico, my winter vacation in DC, or my summer in TN…. This year, I have endured the biggest heartbreak of my life and I am taking myself out of the country! Thailand to be exact. I have been invited numerous times and have always held off bc of money, time, and feeling like I need to put everyone else before me. There was always some excuse.
2015 is the year where I will start new. No more excuse to putting Valerie closer to the head of the line. Taking care of my health, taking care of my own needs and doing MORE of the things I dearly love.
My Date Yourself list will grow as time goes but so far I have taken myself to the virtual library and read two books this year. I am going to Thailand, I have a hot date with me, myself and I to see 50 Shades of Grey in February and I have a cross Ohio trip planned on bicycle!
I am making 2015 all about dating yourself. Let’s face it, no matter what relationship I have been in, I am the BEST I have ever had…….
I received an email marking what 2014 was for The One Date Wonder. I get excited seeing stats like this. Writing had been very important to me since I was 9 years old and my brother bought me a little blue journal that snapped.
I have come a long way from the “Dear Diary….Yours Truly” but it has been my one true savior all this time.
Thank you readers around the world! To all who have read, liked and commented. Thanks to the silent stalkers who read my work. Thanks to Dream Guy for dumping me so that I could have the most inspirational dates after him and create the wonderful genius that is The One Date Wonder.
Long Live The One Date Wonder!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here's an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 520 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 9 trips to carry that many people.
Zen beat me with the Kyosaku stick again. Kyosaku stick is used during meditation to promote concentration when one slacks off.
In breakups, a Kyosaku stick is needed too.
I have left DreamGuy and for about two weeks, it was difficult. The urges to text, to keep the conversation going, and to pick up as soon as he rings the cell were strong. But then time lapses. And as time moves forward, you realize the serenity. The quiet peace grows and you have no idea how much time had gone on until he texts me, “How is everyone?”
The quiet peace ends abruptly. I pick up the phone, I put it down. I pick it up, I put it down. Monkey Mind.
It’s all games. Stupid, mindless games.
The entire relationship with DreamGuy, I felt I wasn’t the real Valerie. I had to play very carefully to sustain that relationship as to not appear too “available” or too “anxious” and to always remain guarded with my emotions. Slowly it stripped away the wonderful essence of my existence and I cannot be afraid anymore. So I did what the REAL VALERIE would do, I texted back, “HI! We’re good!”
What I didn’t expect was the all too familiar trap of enjoying his conversation and sarcasm. He ended the 2 hr long TextFest with an abrupt “gotta go.” It felt nice that he found time for me in the midst of his laundry cycles. (Sarcasm). 7 year old habits die hard. I found myself, the next day texting him much like I did our entire relationship after I got off work. A quick and quirky text that was only relevant to he and I. I settled in sleep and when I awoke hours later, there was nothing from him.
Nothing but the sting in my heart. Like I had been beckoned like a dog with a treat only to be kicked and turned away. I realized what it was but still playfully added “Oh come on, that was funny! Nothing? Bueller????????? Ok……”
Let Go Or Be Dragged.
DreamGuy distrupted my concentration and the Kyosaku stick beat me with the reminder of rejection. I felt rejected.
Ok, you got me, DreamGuy. You really know how to fuck up a relationship and make someone suffer. Im going to chalk this up as “old habits die hard” and devise a new list of new and awesome habits that are significantly worthy of my energy. You won’t do this to me again.
The only score I am keeping is the one where I feel utterly amazing. I took a couple steps back, but from this moment on, strides.
I should call Taylor Swift so she has new material for her top hit songs.
Listening to: Taylor Swift- Blank space
Why do I try so hard to fail?
10th grade geometry was a bitch. The teacher, Mrs. Shuman, was great. She was motivating and intelligent and very helpful. But after endless amounts of homework and help after school, I still managed to fail or do very poorly on every single test.
I remember the new year. Things felt fresh. The 1994-1995 school year, was the year I was motivated to bring up my G.P.A. I was feeling so good. When that first Geometry test came back graded, I was mortified that I received a “D.” How could this happen? I put the work into it. Something wasn’t clicking.
I was crazy-motivated after that. I studied HARDER. The 30 theorems we had to memorize, I stayed up all night reciting them until my dreams were possessed by them. The next test, I was anxious. I turned the front page of my test over and scribbled every theorem on the back. From there, I began each problem being able to visually see and reference for a solution. I turned it in, confident.
The test was returned and to this day, I will never forget the red numbers boldly printed on the top of my test.
It took everything inside me not to cry. How could this happen? Why? I was emotionally distraught and the day was essentially ruined. After school, I walked to Mrs. Shuman’s class and we sat in the desks next to each other and I held my paper….”I studied so hardddddddd.”
I will never forget the look upon her face that read “LIAR.” Surely, someone who studied, would not fail. She told me that the key to passing this test was to memorize those theorems. I flipped my first page over, laid them in front of her.
Her eyes widened as she read each line…..eyebrows closed in, deep in thought. She looked at me….”We have a problem. You have these written to the T!”
I struggled the rest of the year. But I believe she knew how hard I was trying. I think she was very forgiving of me. It was the very first memory I have of working so diligently at something and failing so miserably. I passed with a C in that class but even after all these years, I still feel the presence of that same failure.
I never thought that I would be reminded of my failures in Geometry when I leave the man I love.
My relationship with Dream Guy has disintegrated. The measure of heartbreak is so great, that the essence of hope still lingers. I realize this is unrealistic, but emotionally, I feel unready to fully let go. Like geometry, I worked hard. I put into it everything I had and am sickened with failure.
I know the journey ahead of me is long. Heartbreak feels like a void to which I have nothing to fulfill. It will take time. And I know I will endure.
The best of me is yet to come.