Empty Tank

First off, I can’t believe it’s been a YEAR since my last blog post!!! That just proves how antisocial I have become!!!

Being single doesn’t leave much room to write inspiring and humorous tales of dating because I don’t date!!! I’ve tried perusing through Tinder and POF like I was window shopping for a new man outfit. But I don’t feel like meeting anybody. FUCK OFF must seriously be inscribed on my forehead.

 My last relationship ended nearly 4 years ago. I believe for myself that it takes half the length of a relationship to truly “heal” or “get over” a breakup. (7yrs/2=3.5) That’s the formula that I’ve tried to follow. Enough time has passed but I am not even close to wanting to meet anyone. I honestly believe I worked too hard to want to start over again with someone else. Back when I had the dating stamina, I didn’t mind telling my story over and over again hoping to connect with someone. Now I’m all out of fucks to give.


The anti-dating feeling is strong.

 I’m sure the perseverance depleted when my last long term relationship did. It’s the idea of starting all over again that makes me die a little on the inside. The idea of telling my story, who I am, how I got here…If I was a car, my tank is on E. 


Relationship Soundtrack

A song can remind me of a memory, an emotion or even represent a particular time of my life. 

Some songs take me back to the guy I dated or reminds me of a particular moment we shared. 

Here are some songs that bring back some memories.

1. “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
2. “If You’re Gone” by Matchbox 20
3. “This Love” Maroon 5
4.“Love of a Lifetime” Firehouse
5.“Fall For You” Secondhand Serenade
6. “You Remind Me Of Something” R.Kelly
7. “Rompe” Daddy Yankee
8. “Barbie Girl” Aqua
9. “Even Flow” Pearl Jam
10. “From Yesterday” 30 Seconds To Mars
11. “Forever” Papa Roach 

“Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind

The first boy I went out with, I remember him driving me on the interstate in his little car with the windows down on a hot summer day listening to this song. He and I had just graduated high school and this song makes me feel as fresh and free as that day I heard it. I can still see him, his hair blowing in the wind, singing “Do Do Dooo!”

“If You’re Gone” by Matchbox 20

This song reminds me of driving home from the casino with my ex. It was not a good time in our relationship, I wonder if he realized how fucked up our relationship really was. For all the things that went wrong, my ex played this song for me. It’s quite a relaxing song to me, reminding me how much at peace I felt that I truly knew there was no repairing the damage that had been done.

“This Love” Maroon 5

When I caught my ex cheating, this song was playing. Hook, Line, Sinker! This song makes me feel like I found my freedom all over again! I remember dancing in my basement while singing, “She said…goodbye!!” My Unhappily Ever After was going to turn into my Happily Ever After…..

 “Love of a Lifetime” Firehouse

I had a lot of feels when it comes to the guy that this song reminds me of. He had a big love for 80s and techno music. Emotions were strong when this song played and we held hands in the car. I remember slow dancing with him at the club. Wow. This was the first feel good love song I had. Let those endorphins flow! 

“Fall For You” Secondhand Serenade

Dream Guy asked me to listen to this song and a short time later, we gave it another go. It was great the first time around and I think this was his subtle way of letting me know he was falling for me all over again. This reminds me of a hopeful time in my life.

 “You Remind Me Of Something” R.Kelly

I would never describe myself as “popular” or “cool,” but that’s how I would describe the Smart Sideburns guy that made too quick of a departure. There will be more on him later. A side B reprise, so to speak ::wink wink::

 “Rompe” Daddy Yankee

I went to a Reds game and one of the players stepped to the plate and this song was playing. The guy who I was with started singing this song. I had never heard it before but liked it immediately. This song reminds me of that hot summer baseball game, hooters and the guy that had some pretty shitty luck for the rest of his days.

“Barbie Girl” Aqua

I loved this song in 1997 but it reminds me of kissing a guy who I would label as my worst kiss ever.

“Even Flow” Pearl Jam

I can’t say I particularly like this song but the guy I dated sure did. I remember him smiling and connecting his own memory with friends while jamming to this tune. This time in my life, I had no friends and wanted to absorb from him the ability to find my own happiness and connections in life. He had his heart set on healing and I did too.

“From Yesterday” 30 Seconds To Mars

When MySpace added music, this was Dream Guy’s song. It was the first of many songs that make me think of him.

“Forever” Papa Roach

If there is ever someone in your life that you left with unfinished business…..this song represents him. This was his ringtone. We have stayed in contact here and there since the last time I saw him. We are both single and he has put the ball in my court that if I’m ready, he’s ready.


Put your relationship soundtrack out there. What songs remind you of YOUR exes?


For more personal musical soundtracks, Click here for my compilation of songs that helped me through a heartbreak.

The Strange Stranger

The short version of the story:

I met a Stranger.
I thought he could be a friend.
He acted really strange.
I felt uncomfortable.
He threw a tantrum.
He deleted me.

The End.


For the long version, keep reading.

I met someone.

Now don’t go thinking I was swept off my feet into relationship oblivion. It wasn’t anything like that.

 After my move to a new city, I found myself feeling very lonely. Finding adult friends or just quality beings in general is REALLY HARD! We have all been on a long road in Life and making room for others sometimes doesn’t always feel easy or convenient. I know I made a lot of room for Dream Guy but that space is now clear and closed off. As a means of healing, I feel like my social realm is limited to V.I.P. only. But there are times where I really crave companionship. My close friends all live elsewhere, all have different shifts, they probably don’t feel like a mangled up mess like I do! People have their own messes to deal with and it is hard to keep my own mess out of the forefront that I feel I have forgotten what it’s like to have fun!!!

So I’ve been keeping to myself. A lot.

And then I met a Stranger…….

We were both in great moods. He was articulate, talking of the great music he played on the jukebox, he made someone’s night by giving them an unexpected tip and anticipating his world travels.

The conversation was exactly how I would want meeting someone to happen. It was random and interesting. I didn’t feel like it was forced. Since it wasn’t through a dating app, it didn’t feel like a connection was anticipated. It felt like a first time for me– a natural way of meeting someone. It was pleasantly different!

Because of his travelling, I had currency that I needed to get rid of so I offered the business-like exchange. He thought this was a great idea and enjoyed my insight from my own previous travels and asked if he could give me his phone number. Although more business-like rather than date-like, I enjoyed this interaction. It felt functional and like both of us left happy that we met each other!

A day or two goes by and I text him. It was specific. It was the currency I had, and the current exchange rate it was going for. It was only $60 but the nearest bank to exchange this was over 4 hrs away for me. He was happy I texted and he agreed to this transaction.

We made plans in the next week or two. He was excited to see me. We talked like a bunch of teenage girls at a sleepover. It was a lot of fun! I really enjoyed his energy! He was Army, loved photography, and is exquisitely articulate! I liked his beard. He left to go meet with some friends, kissed my hand and left.

I received a surprise text later that he really wanted to kiss me. I’m thinking, “uh-oh.” I told him I wasn’t interested in kissing but was glad I met him.

Some nice conversations later, he wanted me to send him a picture. Ok. Me and my dog while I’m doing housework. I’m simple like that. But he was wanting something a little more specific, I learned. He wanted a picture of my legs. UHHHH, awkward. No. He asked why. “I don’t like the sexual nature of it. It makes me feel uncomfortable.” He asked why. In my head, he’s jerking off and coming on a $.50 stuffed pig that came out of a claw machine. It made me feel disgusting.

PLUS, I barely knew him. Remember my free space is empty and closed off. I would require some broken hearted maintenance and something told me he wasn’t proficient in anything but his own hammer. Rather than divulge in some deeply seeded sexual history, I tried to veer him off the subject.

He did assure me that due to our great geographic constraints, that we could spend the time getting to know each other and use it to enjoy “flirty things.” Here we go again. I’ve already mentioned I am not interested in kissing and that his desire for me to send flirty pictures was not something I wanted to do, I called him out on it. “Are you trying to wear me down to send u pics of my legs??”

“No. I’m not trying to pressure you into sex….just want you to see my perspective on the matter…….i thoroughly enjoy our discourse.”

I told him I can see his reasons and accept that it differs from mine and told him that apart from him wanting to see my legs, I enjoyed all the other parts of our conversations.

He sent me a broken heart emoji. I laughed it off and told him he could rest assured that I will never pressure him for sex!

What he said next, alarmed me. “No, you’ll just continually reject me until I want to off myself.”

He added, “ I just don’t know why you feel the need to push so hard against me…..Constantly reminding me you’re not interested in new and creative ways! Let your guard drop with me, you may like it!”

I’m sure that ending a long relationship I wanted so badly to work has something to do with my power to push people away who give me the slightest indication they are interested in a more emotional/physical connection. I wasn’t thinking romantically with him. AT ALL. I’m sure it’s my high levels of anxiety and stress I bestow upon myself that keeps my social interactions to an almost non-existent minimum. But his pushing to put me in a position that I am not ready to be in just makes me resist that much harder. It’s not what I want. I’m not ready to let my guard down in that aspect. I want to establish quality people first. I need someone to relate to, not have relations with!

We talked on and off a little over the course of another week. Until one day, via snapchat, he wanted to know why I was talking to him. I explained how I enjoyed our very first conversation, that I was excited for his travels and believed he could be a good new friend in my life. I can only guess that didn’t make sense to him because he brought up again that I would not show him my legs, was not open to flirting and how he wanted me to open up to him. After that first intense conversation, I thought boundaries were made clear and established. I really didn’t want to rehash this again. I tried to politely excuse myself from the conversation by explaining to him that it was a long day, I just got home from taking my kids to the doctor….and his response:

“Ok, BYE.”

I got that message in the middle of texting him but when I hit send, the message showed that he had already deleted me. “Your chat is pending until Strange Stranger adds you as a friend.

Maybe it’s for the best. As lonely as I feel sometimes, I always will enjoy solitude over public poison.

Bye bye, strange stranger.


Listening to The Doors: People Are Strange




I saved my college Sociology book because cultural practices vary around the world. It is beyond fascinating the cultural creations that manifest and influence in each society. Educating ourselves is the greatest power we can achieve.

Transgender is in the news so much as of lately. When you see loved ones discriminated against because of race or disability and now gender identity, there is a strong need to stand up and protest the uneducated driven rebuttals that follow. In order to refreshen my outlook, I  re-read the chapter on Gender. Our society goes to great lengths to assign one’s gender. 

Gender stigmas

Gender roles

Gender in the workplace. 

Gender in the home. 

We celebrate gender by gender reveal parties and put little bows on little baby girl’s heads. We conform to the roles our society defines for us. From our conduct to our clothes. I am no different in participating in the wide spread social construct. My mom bought me Barbie and although I loved Barbie, I loved Legos and the Millennium Falcon and playing with my brother’s Hulk Hogan and Junk Yard Dog figurines. My favorite color is blue and I was told while playing “house” (another social practice) as a child I had to be the “dad” because I wore a blue shirt. Blue is associated with the male gender. We unify the manufactured ideas of gender and then we are judged and discriminated against when we separate from those standards.

“… gender identities vary greatly across cultures, with each different culture defining what is right and wrong. Our gender identity, then, is constructed within our cultures framework for gender. There is not some global absolute truth governing gender roles and identities (274).”

Here’s some fascinating examples of gender in other cultures:

The Wodaabe: Men dress up, wear makeup, make themselves attractive and gossip. The women are the providers. 

The Mbuti and !Kung tribes VALUE gender equality. 
American Natives:Honor and Respect the Two-Spirit people who are believed to encompass both male and female characteristics

Bacha Posh– middle eastern custom where a family who doesn’t have any sons will allow their daughter to live and behave as a boy. She will have rights to education, personal freedoms and often carry male names.

She is my son

Fa’fafafine– Samoan boys raised as women. Male body with female identities. Sex with straight men is considered a hetero-sexual relationship. The roles in your community decide and shape your gender. Not your physical anatomy. They are a revered third-gender.

Hijra– Southern Asia. Recognized third gender and protected by law. 

Sworn Virgin– Albanian young girls who takes an oath and lives as a man. Sworn Virgins are able to obtain wealth, gain status and freedom. Still biologically female, accepted as a 100% male. 

The idea of “Men are men and Women are Women” is definitely overused and offers little intellectual insight. “The bottom line is that gender is a socially created or constructed IDEA, not one that emanates from biological traits. (291).” Translation: your plumbing downstairs has no significance on your gender identity.

We check our gender boxes on every form out there. And that’s our culture. 

“Each tradition has evolved over time to meet certain needs of society(273).”

I get it. The stigmas that have survived and slowly transcended has served an essential purpose in society because it was needed at one point in time.  

Not this time.

Everything written above is educated and medically supported facts. In regards to the issue of the bathroom. The stall is just another little box.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s only two boxes that are important in this life. The little incubator box they put me in when I’m born. And the box they put me when I’m in the ground.

Our life is simply the transition from one box to another. 

Time to think outside of it.

Erwitt, Elliot. Segregated Water Fountains. 1950. North Carolina, USA,. Web.

Mason-Schrock, Douglas. “Transsexuals’ Narrative Construction of the “True Self”” Social Psychology Quarterly 59.3 (1996): 176-92. Web.

Ballantine, Jeanne H., and Keith A. Roberts. Our Social World: Introduction to Sociology. Los Angeles: Pine Forge, 2009. Print

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

Today marks a symbolic moment in my life. My divorce anniversary. 12 years and counting!

Be thankful that you aren’t married to one of these guys!


And to be fair, here’s a list of women.

Marriage is not an option and I love, love, love finding like minded people. A quick google search led me across this blog…..MirrorCracked

Although I believe the reasons are a bit vague, it is a wonderful topic to discuss and build upon. And….a guy wrote it! Even better!

Feliz Cindo de Mayo!




Kelsey Borresen wrote an article for The Huffington Post about Aaron Gillies writing down and then tweeting all of his wife’s tearful endeavors.

For 1 Month, This Husband Wrote Down Everything That Made His Wife Cry

I got a kick out of it.

 Aaron’s wife thought it was humorous. The reaction it caused with the public was the same. People were identifying with it. Some people do this! Cry over what seems like, everything! The whole purpose of The One Date Wonder is to write, record and release my own endeavors. I share my emotions as felt by my own point of view and once released, others may identify it as well. I love relating to others. Knowing that I am not the only one who has laughed over a date gone wrong, or cried over a marriage gone bad, has been wildly healing for me.  

 I never want people to stop sharing their stories. It’s pure genius if you ask me. Memoirs like My Horizontal Life –Chelsea Handler gives a humorous account of her sexual escapades. On a darker more reproachable memoir, Elissa Wall wrote Stolen Innocence,  depicting her life and childhood with her religion, marriage and later, her advocacy. Personal narratives like those keep me going.

 Even though relationships end, behaviors live on. Someone out there is cheating on someone. Someone out there is being verbally abused. Someone out there isn’t getting asked on a second date. It is so helpful to know that I have shared a similar situation with someone out there. I also believe that writing down each personal account is helpful to see things stand out on a page, in black and white.

 So take out a pen, take out some paper…..and write……

-Every time your Significant Other makes you laugh.

-Every time he/she makes you cry.

-Every time he/she takes you out on a date.

 -Every time he/she inspires you.

 -Every time he/she spends too much money.

 -Every time he/she called you names.

 -Every time he/she lied to you.

 I believe we hope and strive for the more positive declarations but if you write more bad than good, let the truth speak for itself.

Writing has always been a part of my life. Since my brother bought me my first journal when I was 9, I wrote down everything. My first crush, my first A, when I was being bullied, when I felt insecure, when I felt most proud…..little books of truth.

I can never stop feeling, so I will never stop writing.


Thanksgiving Memory

My kindergarten Thanksgiving.

It was 1985. My teacher, Miss Alexander said all the boys had to be Indians but gave the girls the option to be Pilgrims or Indians. Pilgrims wore funny looking bonnets. Indians had war paint on their faces and wore fringe and feathers. It was a no brainer. Call me Chief Valerie. 

I sat at the table, using my safety first pink scissors, cutting the edge of the paper sack to replicate fringe. I was excited to put the feather in my hair and represent my kindergarten tribe during this Thanksgiving. When I heard giggles and pots banging together, I gazed over near the play carpet where we often had free time. The Pilgrim girls were done with their outfits and bonnets and could play with the kitchen set. 


I was caught in a moment of regret. Why did I chose to be an Indian? If I would have known I could have had free time with the kitchen, the Pilgrim would have been my choice.


Oh, the devastation!!!!


It must have been an eternity that I was staring at the Pilgrim girls in their happy frolic, because Miss Alexander charges across the room, grabs my arm and leans in my ear to yell at me in a loud whisper, “get back to work!!!”


She hurt my arm. I hung my head, cutting my paper sack with my safety scissors with tears rolling down my cheeks.


I was a sad little Indian.


Happy Thanksgiving


It was upon my greatest surprise that while in Thailand, I got to see Blue.


Blue? Yeah, I asked the same question.

It was about 2 years ago, that my friend, Songie, and I ate brunch at Brio’s Italian Restaurant that she first sang to me One Love. I listened to the song via YouTube but here in the U.S., boy band days have been long over. There were no survivors.

 Fast forward to my anticipated trip to Thailand and a couple months after buying the plane ticket, Songie calls me and exclaimed that BLUE IS COMING!!!! Added to my pile of Thailand study materials was now Blue. I wanted to be as educated and involved and research is not only one of my favorite past times, it was my top priority. Language, Customs, Culture, & Blue.

 When I think of Boy Bands, I’m thrown back to 1989 when I was 11 and first heard New Kids On The Block on the radio singing Hangin’ Tough. I idolized them and the biggest appeal was their different personalities, charming good looks, and vocal styles. Every Boy Band blends together a winning combination that the industry has tried so desperately to sustain and maintain decade after decade. I was a young mom during ‘Nsync and BSB days but wasn’t interested in their cliche matching attire or dance moves that made girls swoon. So it would be that as we grow and change, the boy band industry wants to remain the same. And the good music dies with it.

 I believe that as the industry booms with this Boy Band idolization that it fails to recognize and evolve along with these individuals. I am not an eleven year old child anymore and I didn’t meet Blue as a screaming, hormonal teen. I looked into the eyes of a man who missed his dog, a man who couldn’t wait to celebrate his baby girl’s first birthday, a man who contemplated his spiritual growth and another who talked of disciplining his child if they didn’t clean up their toys. Their commitments and life experiences were not far off on my own and all I could think about was “come to America.”

 It was amazing to sit amongst screaming fans. Blue fans were waiting outside their hotel, singing songs outside the arena, jumping up and down. During the opening of the concert, Blue stood there in the dim shadow and their silhouette alone made everyone go NUTS! I could not hide my smile. Fans rushed the stage and who be it from me to not allow a true fan to take my spot as I sit back, observe and enjoy the experience.

 Simon, your eyes are absolutely captivating. There were times during the concert that I felt penetrated by your gaze and that you were singing to only me. Wow. Your poise enthralls me and I would notice you walking into a room. Your presence demands it and I freely give it. Our first interaction was laughter and it broke through my serious façade. It is hard not to want to know more about you and as you methodically told me that I am hard to read, know that I am carefully taking all that I can in of you. You remembered my name and took me by the hand and danced with me my last night. It reminded me of Take the Lead where Antonio Banderas explains how a man can learn to touch a woman with respect by dancing. I will allow you to take the lead with me. Truly memorable. I believe Romeo and Krieger will be BFFs.


Antony, you were the first one ready to go. Always on time. That alone, I would bring you home to meet my father. A punctual man is an attractive man! I watched The Big Reunion and couldn’t help but feel torn when you were interviewed and heard you speak of some of the hurtful things people said about you (The Big Reunion season 1 episode 8). It was painful to hear. During the concert, I clapped and cheered more for you. I couldn’t wait to see you perform on stage. I loved learning about your endeavors beyond Blue. You seemed to have a lot more going on than anyone else and I feel I failed my research in missing that you would do Tommy the Rock Opera before playing Prince Charming! I enjoyed your company at dinner, noticing your cues that maybe you thought no one else saw. After we took the dinner picture for the 4th or 5th time and the cameraman said, “No flash,” you held back a laugh. I, in turn, laughed. I can’t really explain it to anyone else how funny I thought that moment was. Oh my god and you were singing, “Valerie.” Hearts, hearts, hearts! However brief my time was with you, it was memorable beyond measure.


Lee, What is not to love about you? Opposites attract and you would be the perfect Right kind of Wrong. You were not shy winking at me, talking to me and it felt really good just to be around you. Where do you find all that energy? You are really charming and have one of those magnetic personalities. I was absolutely mesmerized by you as we overlooked the city, you talked about your son, your writings and your commitments.  

 You can really bring out the best in people and that was when I felt most special. You love hard. You fall hard. There is no denying that you have the ability to shock and awe everyone and I hope you are encased by people who realize you are a man energized by your passions and they support and encourage you every step of the way.

Duncan, my kids tell me I need to stop judging. I thought I knew what to expect from you, but I was totally wrong. I was so surprised how welcomed you made me feel not knowing who this strange girl was amongst your circle of friends. A standard photo op and you spoke up first, greeting me with your big captivating smile. It was after the concert, the cheers, the screaming, the lights, the interviews…..it was when the cameras were off and it felt like just you and me, chatting like old mates. We shared our heartbreak, our pain, our faults, our spirituality. Then, all of a sudden, the TV turned on. The energy could not be denied in the room at that moment. You called me out on a few things that I feel most insecure about myself but there was no judging. Just a moment where I held your undivided attention. You smiled and spoke Pig Latin. You are a good man. Come to Ohio. No lights, no screaming….but there will be a home cooked meal waiting for you. Soul Food 😉

Blue is the epitome of talented men. No question. But it was their conversation and the ability to connect from personal experiences that captivated me. As an outsider, untouched by their music all these years, there is no doubt that Blue is a revered entity. Loyal fans all over the world have been loyal to Simon Webbe, Antony Costa, Duncan James and Lee Ryan. These handsome men are in my eyes, survivors. Their paths crossed early as young musical dreamers and have endured throughout the ever changing music industry. BoyBand-dom has been long gone. But Blue endured. It’s cool they have been together so long, but it’s the men they have become today that have made me a fan. Let the essence of Blue redefine the music industry’s confines of what it means to be a “Boy Band.”

 Talented. Handsome. Mature. Men.

 And let me be the first to welcome it. 

 My Fave Blue Songs 

Endless Love

If You Come Back

U Make Me Wanna

Breathe Easy

Nothing Like You

Eat. Pray. Love

My Eat, Pray, Love. 

I had seen the movie but was not profoundly touched by it. Eh, was my reaction. Fast forward months…..and I sit with a broken heart, desperate for peace. I found the book by Elizabeth Gilbert on clearance for $2, I bought it and finished it in one day. I couldn’t put it down. Funny how you can read something when you’re clouded by a different perspective and it mad inspires you.

Off to Thailand, I go.



Foods are different there. Seafood with crustaceous shells and wiggly fins are their specialty. I saw something that was still alive when it was brought to my dinner table. I’m not sure what it was, and although I didn’t steer from my distaste for the aquatic menu, I did try new foods with Pork and Chicken. I didn’t gain weight like Ms. Gilbert did but rather lost 9. My Eat wasn’t about indulging in myself but rather controlling it. I didn’t have the temptations of Hot Head Burrito and Flyers Pizza to deter me. I stuck to the basic and it rewarded me. I felt very proud of myself.




    Predominately Buddhist. I was so thrilled to be in a culture who’s spiritual influence was so far from my own environment. Studying a semester of Eastern Religions, I fell in love with Buddhism and Hinduism. I could find something to relate to all religions I learned about but the Middle Way and all the Gods empowered me. I was not torn with This Way or That Way righteousness but grasped a whole concept of acceptance. I chanted their prayers, I kneeled and bowed my head, I clasped my hands and accepted this way and welcomed whatever should come my way. At the Thao Maha Brahma Temple in Bangkok, I was told to ask for my wishes to the four-faced Brahma…..and given incense and flowers, I asked for my children’s happiness and success in Life. I then Traveled to the Ganesha Shrine, and chanted the prayers and offered gifts to influence me to overcome what obstacles come my way and to hope for success in my own Life. Next to the Ganesha Shrine, is the Trimurti Shine, the God of Love. I was told that going on Thursday around 2100-2130 would be the prime time to go for meeting your potential mate. My love prayers were not really for a mate to love, but rather to Love myself. 

I was presented the opportunity to go to a funeral. I did not know the family but was told I could attened. Monks chanted, I sat with my hands in prayer taking it all in. The grandfather passed on and had read a long time ago in The Tibetan Book of the Dead that Monks will pray over three days to ensure the soul of the dead passes on to the next life. Three monks sit and chant. I kneel at an altar, bow three times. I kneel at the altar of the grandfather, given insense, bow in respect and offer a prayer to the grandfather to make it safely in the next life.

 It makes me think of my own grandfather, wondering where his soul ended up. The thought of his charming essence thriving in the world makes me happy.



Heartbreak is a bitch! This one is taking its sweet time to allow me to find some sort of solace. I am void of any recognition that I was ever a person who cherished my own sense of self. I didn’t come to Thailand to find a love, but to no longer wallow in the love I feel I have lost. I want to start in any small way to love myself. After my prayers at the Trimurti Shrine, my ex texted me. It wasn’t the first that we had spoken since our breakup, but it was the coincidence of the moment. After my prayers…..thousands and thousands of miles away……and now in this moment, I hear from him. I gasped to my friend.

 “It was the gods!” She exclaimed.

 Was it?

 All reason to doubt floods my mind. But I am throwing logic out and just smiling. And smiling was my first step of enjoying myself in this moment.


Thailand was without any doubt, my Eat, Pray, Love. I did all three. I enjoyed the new foods I ate, the new spirituality and the love of every moment that I will cherish forever. My trip of a lifetime.


And I can’t wait to go back.



Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Unhappily Married, Happily Divorced

Cinco De Mayo has a special place in my heart. It is the day I was divorced.

May 5, 2004.

Eleven years later, it’s a time to reflect on the lessons learned and the great sense of freedom that divorce awarded me.

The legal aspects of marriage was broken. I was breaking the bad habit of abuse and saving myself and my children. What good is a mother whose husband yells at her constantly? He’s angry….she’s broken….and the kids suffer.

I planned a divorce for two years. I documented every waking moment. If it was a book to be read, u could find it in the subject marked “Tragedy.”

Even though marriage was the hardest part of living for me, divorce was hard in its own way as well. It’s a changing of lifestyle. It’s starting over again. But those are all elements we can adapt and overcome with time. I’ll never fully recover from my marriage.

I think the biggest factor is who you are divorcing. This was my biggest hurdle. I broke the legal ties my spouse held over me, but that didn’t stop the manipulation and control. I see the same situation with my best friend who recently divorced.

He asks her how much money she makes. (Not his business)
He asks who she is seeing. (Not his business)
He walks into her house like he owns it.

Been there done that.

And it is still just as rude as it was when I went thru it.

I’ve seen spouses divorce amicably. Sitting together with one lawyer, laughing and enjoying their decision together.

I am enjoying my decision. I reflect heavily on the sense of freedom I gained within and the wonderful life I have upheld.

The lesson I learned was that I will never get married again. I am not cut for it. I don’t like that feeling of being trapped. I love my freedom. I also like knowing that I am saving money. I hear it’s much more costly to get divorced nowadays!

We all make mistakes.

Marriage is a mistake I will never make again.

I promise.


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